Yesterday I was at a local shopping mall and heard the droning,
anxiety-provoking sound of a parent on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I could feel my stomach begin to knot up and I became more and more anxious listening to the cries of a small child and the intensity of the parent’s anger building moment by scary moment.
What did it sound like? It was the all too familiar sound of a parent who had lost control of her children…all 3 of them! She had lost her cool and had begun resorting to empty threats. It was clear that her children did not take her threats seriously and they continued on in the behavior that she was desperately trying to extinguish. It appeared that the more angry she became the less control she had, with the youngest child crying and whining (in the most heart-breaking way I might add), and with the oldest of them acting more brazen than before (in the most obnoxious way I might add).
Often families on the verge sound like they need to be rescued from an on-going power struggle. We would like to step-in, but are often frozen by our own notions of parenting, family, and discipline issues. Isn’t it amazing that when in the presence of this type of family meltdown, we feel our own anger surge, we feel helpless, and we may even feel the need to rescue or to flee? But mostly, we feel uncomfortable as we have all been there in one form or another perhaps in our own childhood, or as parents to our own children, or as helpless by-standers to the often painful plights of other families. Sometimes we can hear the empty-threats made by the parent being met by either fresh back-talk, cries or pleas for forgiveness and second chances, and sometimes we hear the rage of the parent who belittles, over-corrects and out-right smothers the child with their need for perfection, or absolute adherence to rules that may seem arbitrary. One thing for sure is that most people respond emotionally to this type of situation as it is sure to trigger our feelings about ourselves as either parent or child.
Here are 5 Positive Parenting Tips to Consider when disciplining your child:
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1) Listen more than you talk. Children are overwhelmed by information overload. The more you are talking…the more likely you are being tuned out!
2) Focus on one issue at a time. Excessive or constant verbal correction can become confusing and send the message that you are impossible to please (see tip #1 on tuning you out). If you need to correct your child’s behavior, do not focus on each and every thing the child did wrong in the situation. Pick one issue to focus on, but don’t forget to highlight what they did right if appropriate.
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3) Lead with your relationship. Someday your toddler will be 37 years old. What type of relationship would you like to have? This parent-child relationship has already begun!
4) Don’t use sarcasm to make a point. Young children are very helpless to respond to sarcasm as it really displays their powerlessness in dealing with adults. It doesn’t motivate children when they feel shamed or humiliated. If anger is preventing you from the ability to communicate effectively, without sarcasm, than you need to take a step-back.
5) Don’t focus exclusively on behavior. Offering corrections based purely on behavior, and not what is motivating, reinforcing, or driving behavior- misses the mark. Without helping your child to understand choices, and motivating them to make different choices, repeated behavioral correction is doomed for failure.
Most importantly, when assessing whether or not your parenting style promotes healthy relationships and coping methods, ask the following questions:
Am I someone with whom I would confide my hopes, fears and dreams in?
Am I easy to avoid or engage in conflict?
How do I respond to situations? Is it easy to tell me the truth, or best to tell me what I would like to hear?
In general, does interaction with my child on a daily basis promote a sense of well-being in my child and harmony in our relationship?
For more tips on family issues and positive-parenting please visit our website http://www.lynnfieldfamilycenter.org
Leslie Miller, LICSW
